I’ll willingly admit that I don’t know the first thing about fancy beer. Christ, I’m the type of beer drinker that thinks Yuengling Porter counts as fancy. Luckily, Stephen Potter knows a thing or two about the brew-and Every week, Young, Dumb and Full of Beer will highlight a different beer. Sometimes it will highlight a couple of beers. Usually they will be local, since Philly has some of the best breweries in the country, but sometimes he’ll throw in a beer from elsewhere. It will be nerdy, but hopefully approachable, even if you only ever drink Colt 45 (editors note: Labuda sez that real heads drink OE).

Sez Stephen: For our first post, rather than review a beer, I’m throwing up a guide to beer basics for anyone who (like our man Labuda, apparently) is pretty much a total beer n00b. If you already consider yourself at all knowledgeable, you probably want to skip this post and wait till next week. Like, f’realz, this is 100% the basics.

So, why not just drink beer and leave it at that? Any beer can get you drunk if you drink enough of it. Lots of people are content just find a beer that they think is ok and stick to it. But here at Funvampires, we’re nerds. We obsess over all sorts of everyday shit: music, gear, vegan cheesesteaks – so why not beer?

Especially if you find yourself drinking it semi-regularly, it’s worth taking the small amount of time to do it right and appreciate it. Being a beer nerd is like being a music nerd – the more beers you try, the more you notice the little things that distinguish different beers and the more you get totally stoked on discovering new stuff.

All you need to start is a bottle opener and a glass big enough for a beer. Don’t worry that that legit beer nerds get really OCD about glassware. What’s important is that if you’re drinking good beer, pour it into a glass. If you’re at a bar, and you order a good beer, don’t feel like a dick asking for one. Unless you’re drinking something like PBR or Corona, in which case yes, you are a dick if you ask for a glass.

The internet is full of tutorials on how to pour a beer. I’m not sure why, cause its pretty much like jacking off – doing it well is all in the touch and you’ve kind of got to figure that out yourself. But if you want help, let Brendan Hartranft, co-owner of the soon to be opened Memphis Taproom, show you how it’s done.

Seriously, most good beers do taste noticeably better when you drink them from a glass. A couple reasons for this. First, a lot of you taste is through smell, and when you drink straight from the bottle, you lose that. Second, you want to be gettin’ some head. The head lightens heavy beers a little and also is creamy and delicious. Additionally, for reasons I can’t figure out, I’ve noticed that drinking beer straight out of the bottle frequently hides the beer’s natural sweetness, making it bitter and harder to drink.

The next part is easy. Drink the fuckin’ beer. Apply your Krshnacore consciousness and really notice what you’re drinking. Each sip has a beginning, middle, and end, so pay attention to the different tastes on the front, middle and back of your tongue.

Knowing how to pour and taste beer is important, but you’ve gotta also figure out which beers to drink. The best way to discover new beers is still going to places and talking to people. The staff at The Foodery or any good beer bar should be able to point you in the right direction.

The Philly area brews consistently good beer, so there are solid local versions of every beer style. For example, if you like Blue Moon, which is Belgian style wit, you’ll probably like Legacy Midnight Wit as well as Victory Whirlwind Wit and Philadelphia Brewing Walt Wit. Again, if you have a big name or local beer that you like, The Foodery can definitely recommend related beers.

The internet can be useful if you just want to buy something cool and different at your corner store. This column will have something new to check out each week, and almost all of my selections are widely available around Philly.

Top serious nerds, though, use Beer Advocate. It’s sort of like the Pitchfork of craft beer, except that it’s also a message board, so anyone with an account can submit a review. It has a lot of information, but there’s definitely worthwhile stuff. Its style guide is tremendously useful, though, at figuring out what kinds of beer you might like. Also, even if you don’t use it that much, it’s worth signing up for a free account so you can use the search function.

If you’ve read this far, you’re doing it wrong already. Go get a beer. And keep it posted for our first real review.