A few weeks ago, before the flu absolutely crippled me for a while, a friend pointed out a weird posting on the Philebrity blog. Philebrity editor and co-founder Joey Sweeney has long since held a giant grudge against (or hard-on for) the Philadelphia noise-punk mess known as Clockcleaner. This grudge is childish to the point of intimacy. We get it, you don’t like their music. But, it seems more than that - Sweeney seems unable to let an opportunity to slag them pass - he’s averaging something like at least one derogatory Clockcleaner mention a month.

January 31, 2008 must have been a particularly slow day at Philebrity HQ because their main story for the day was this email:

I have been following your blog since I transferred to Drexel last year. I noticed that you like to prod at a fellow named John Sharkey from clockcleaner. I didn’t how right you were about what an asshole he is until my recent interaction with him at Johnny Brenda’s last weekend. I was mildy interested in his band since you so keenly disliked them. Not because that really, just , I guess morbidly facinated. I noticed him from the PW article and he seemed to be having a good spirited time with his friends so I mozzied on over to him and told [him] I sort of enjoyed the songs on their myspace and he just looked at me and spit in my eye. I was completely and utterly blown away !!!! I tried to get him kicked out but he was friendly with the door person. I just could not beleive that someone could have this much self righteousness and lack of respect for another person. I am completely behind you decision to hate on this tool! I just figured I’d share that with you because I figured you would want some more fuel for the fire.

Sweeney went on to comment:

Fuel? Fire? Sure, crunch all you want, we’ll make more. But while we cannot say for sure whether this story is or is not completely true — we do rely on an honor system with our tipsters — this is strangely not the first time we’ve heard accusations of middle-school-level violence visited upon women by one John Sharkey. Or even the second. The other tales mostly involve strange tantrums and pulling out chairs from behind young ladies, forcing them to fall, hard. (And as you might expect, not in love.) So we’ll tell ya what we’re gonna do. If there’s any other ladies out there — or hell, even just reallllllly wussy indie guys — who’ve felt the physical wrath of Sharkey, please tell us your tale at tips[at]philebrity[dot]com, and we’ll try and see if we can’t get a head shrinker to analyze a pattern. But as for the young lady who wrote above, keep this in mind: Jerks like this can ONLY subsist in communities as self-loathing as the Philly indie rock scene. Don’t play into that. Like they say, if you see something, say something.

Sweeney has previously taken the stance that his blog is decidedly not journalism but it seems pretty weak to print what is essentially an unsubstantiated rumor from a complete stranger offering up salacious information about a band that he clearly has a bias against. It’s even weaker when that rumor involves alleged violence against women. Sounds like someone was hoping to drum up a witch hunt. Classy.

I do have to admit that while reading the story, my bullshit detector was going off like crazy but I wasn’t 100% sure that this didn’t happen. Could it be true? I mean, I like Clockcleaner a lot. I’ve been to Clockcleaner shows and I have seen crowds at their shows get out of hand. But, I’ve never seen Sharkey ever propagate violence towards women. I figured that Philebrity is now resorting to reporting some rumor about a perceived easy target in order to drum up some drama.

Little did I know how true that would turn out to be.

A few hours after the posting, the entire story still showed up on the Philebrity site but the emailed story and Sweeney’s text appeared crossed out. It was followed by this sentence:

UPDATE: We have reason to believe that the above email was actually a hoax perpetrated by — GET THIS — Sharkey himself! If so, we regret the, uh, error? More details forthcoming…

Hmmm. That’s strange. Right away I emailed Sharkey to ask him about the incident. He sent me his story about what allegedly went down…a story of a good old fashioned pranking and a call from an angry lawyer. I’m printing it here because Philebrity have not yet updated their blog with their promise of more details about the story and I’m betting that other local media outlets aren’t going to touch this…

On February 14th, Sharkey emailed me back this allegedly true, incredibly un-PC response:

I’d been having more and more people in my life linking me to the phaglebrity web fanzine and warning me that it was ANOTHER post about him flagrantly slagging me. Now keep in mind that I have actually NEVER met this sweeney character before in the flesh. I’d heard his name a few times in the past regarding his failed attempts at musical endeavors but other than that he never really effected my life in anyway. So I got the idea to toy with this fair lesbian-looking fruitcake. I sent him an email under a obviously false name and email address. My name: Katelyn Woodsman. Email: th_sea_and_cake@yahoo.com. Anyone who takes that email address at face value either has the mental capacity of a drunk wigger or is very eager to believe anything about anyone. Here is the email:

I have been following your blog since I transfered to Drexel last year. I noticed that you like to prod at a fellow named John Sharkey from clockcleaner. I didn’t how right you were about what an asshole he is until my recent interaction with him at Johnny Brenda’s last weekend. I was mildy interested in his band since you so keenly disliked them. Not because that really, just , I guess morbidly facinated. I noticed him from the PW article and he seemed to be having a good spirited time with his friends so I mozzied on over to him and told I sort of enjoyed the songs on their myspace and he just looked at me and spit in my eye. I was completely and utterly blown away !!!! I tried to get him kicked out but he was friendly with the door person. I just could not beleive that someone could have this much self righteousness and lack of respect for another person. I am completely behind you decision to hate on this tool! I just figured I’d share that with you because I figured you would want some more fuel for the fire.

Sincerely,

Kate Woodsman.

So not ten minutes go by before I get a call from a friend saying that sweendawg was gonna drop a big anvil on my dome. He proceeded to read me my owm email. What a dumb twat. Of course he takes the bait…. SO I play dumb and say it’s obviously horseshit. He also says that sweetchuck is probably not man enough to call me on this shit and check facts like an actual news man. I sit tight til the next morning when it is posted. Not a call, nothing from sweeners.So I run to the computer and make my fake AIM name, katewoods999 and I.M. ol’ saddlebags. Here is that conversation:

KatelynWoods999 (11:55:42 AM) : hello?Joey?
philebrity (11:56:01 AM) : hi!
KatelynWoods999 (11:56:25 AM) : hey! I can’t belive you printed it!
philebrity (11:56:43 AM) : yep. the sharkeylovers are quite upset.
KatelynWoods999 (11:57:06 AM) : I would have emailed you again but in the fit of rage i was in while writing it I forgot to save the email address.
KatelynWoods999 (11:57:16 AM) : It;snotmy school account
KatelynWoods999 (11:57:45 AM) : I created it to email you incase you didnlt believeme and I would’ve felt awkward
philebrity (11:58:35 AM) : wait, what?
KatelynWoods999 (11:58:35 AM) : Thanks for not namng me either!!!
philebrity (11:58:43 AM) : oh we wouldn’t do that
KatelynWoods999 (11:58:52 AM) : i am tyong atrociously today. I am sorry. Just excited
philebrity (11:58:56 AM) : hey, could i talk to you on the phone?
KatelynWoods999 (11:59:00 AM) : typing* haha see
KatelynWoods999 (11:59:42 AM) : Ok, could you do me a favor to, could you tell me the email address. I would like to use it again without creating another stupid one
KatelynWoods999 (11:59:54 AM) : I could call you after school
philebrity (12:00:54 PM) : thanks: number is [Philebrity phone number redacted]

KatelynWoods999 (12:01:19 PM) : cool!
KatelynWoods999 (12:01:40 PM) : Could you tell me the email address?
philebrity (12:01:47 PM) : th_sea_and_kate@yahoo.com
KatelynWoods999 (12:02:02 PM) : jesus, I forgot the eHAHAHA
philebrity (12:02:15 PM) : you kooky kid
KatelynWoods999 (12:02:19 PM) : i know
philebrity (12:02:20 PM) : so i emailed you a bit ago
philebrity (12:02:31 PM) : sharkey is denying that this happened.
KatelynWoods999 (12:02:43 PM) : sorry….Did you check wih anyone involved in clockcleaner? like their publicist?
KatelynWoods999 (12:03:05 PM) : isnt that slanderous toprit something like that though?
philebrity (12:03:12 PM) : no - we just tempered it with “this may or may not true”
philebrity (12:03:37 PM) : we print reader mails all the time but make no claims to their veracity
philebrity (12:03:45 PM) : it’s in our disclaimer, etc.
KatelynWoods999 (12:04:09 PM) : Thats still , I’ve been told today from a lawyer friend, “blatant disreguard”
philebrity (12:05:04 PM) : in what context?
KatelynWoods999 (12:05:48 PM) : i don’t know, A lawyer friend here read it andsaid you could get in trouble for that since you probably never talked to sharkey himself or anyne of his people
philebrity (12:06:20 PM) : hard to say. i suppose the bigger question is: is it true? did it happen? can you stand by it?
KatelynWoods999 (12:06:53 PM) : I will talk to you today after class!cool?
philebrity (12:07:11 PM) : uh-oh, you’re being evasive…
KatelynWoods999 (12:07:31 PM) : nah, i am still down! I willcall you today!
philebrity (12:07:43 PM) : OK
philebrity (12:07:52 PM) : can i have yr number in case i miss the call?
KatelynWoods999 (12:07:58 PM) : talkto you later, Joey!!!!
KatelynWoods999 (12:08:09 PM) : Sure! [Sharkey phone number redacted]
KatelynWoods999 (12:08:17 PM) : ok byebye
philebrity (12:08:40 PM) : quick - what time?

DUNCE!

I immediatly call apple-ass sweeney up and whisper softly into his baby huey ear ” you’re done son”

So he now understands he was punked in a VERY naive and freshman year manner.

Not TEN FUCKING MINUTES go by before his cunt of a lawyer calls me. His name is Conor Corcoran. He is, how do you say, a total douche. a true man’s man…if by that I mean a 30 year old man who looks like a Estelle Getty in a brown pants suit. I miss the call and he leaves a message. THEN douche lawyer calls my girlfriend and her sister. Somehow the two of them know this ambulance chaser. He runs off some bullshit laundry list of how I threatened sweetchuck and his career with this hoax. Horsecum. I had a few words with Conor Corcoran and made it very clear to him that he had no rascal scooter to ride on and that was that. What a girl. The second things get hairy and 1800’s-hips lawyers up.

JSIII

At first I didn’t believe Sharkey. The whole thing seemed too good; like somehow he and Sweeney were in on this joke together. I told Sharkey as much and he laughed and gave me the password to his fake email account. I logged in and checked it out myself - Philebrity were pretty much 100% pranked.

Not liking a band isn’t a big deal. Getting sonned isn’t really thaaaaaaaaaaaaat big of a deal. Sharkey even admits in the email to me that it wasn’t even that great of a prank. (I like the part where Philebrity says that they have reason to believe that the above email was actually a hoax perpetrated by — GET THIS — Sharkey himself. What tipped you off to the hoax, professor? The call from Sharkey?) In any case, a few things about Philebrity’s actions regarding the prank concern me.

Crossing the story out and then never updating people on it is just meow meow weak. Further, it’s really unprofessional to dislike a band sooooooooo much as to fall for a fake email containing an unsubstantiated rumor and then fall back on some bullshit “this isn’t journalism” response in order to print whatever you want. It makes Sweeney look petty.

What’s with the royal hard-on against Clockcleaner, anyway? I wonder if Philebrity would like Clockcleaner if they were more “popular?” For example, Philebrity seems to like the band Pissed Jeans. The PJs are on Sub Pop records and have a pretty big buzz about them. They are highly rated on the cool-making Pitchfork website (Hey, so are Clockcleaner…). Their sound is within the same ballpark as Clockcleaner. Their lyrics are just as goofy. Their shows can be just as violent. Only they get lots of love and Clockcleaner get lots of hate. I guess there’s only enough room in this town for one noise rock band, right?

Actually, the funniest part about this whole thing is that Joey Sweeney pretends like he cares about women that are allegedly threatened by the allegedly chauvinistic John Sharkey only to have his lawyer attempt to bully Sharkey’s girlfriend and his girlfriend’s sister because of something Sharkey did. Clearly Sweeney is a man concerned with women’s rights.

I’m no Johnny Cochran but I don’t think that there’s a real case against Sharkey anyway so what’s with the lawyer phone call action? Maybe “You’re done, son.” sounds like a verbal threat when taken out of context. In the context of the prank, however, it sounds like a way to inform Joey Sweeney that he just got punked. Where’s the case? Involving a lawyer is just laughable. Let alone a lawyer that calls a man’s girlfriend and her sister because a client published an anonymous email without bothering to fact check. Philebrity aren’t going to file a lawsuit anyway. How would that look for the Sween - Snarky blog sues a member of a DIY punk band over a fake email and a failure to factcheck? Sounds like a recipe for a lot of bad press. Philebrity can’t afford that so just stop with the bullshit bluffing.

Or, is Sweenlebrity threw a hissy fit is because he’s mad that Sharkey might be messing with the Philebrity money game? Stories about getting pranked by a fake email can be kind of embarrassing. Embarrassing mess ups can hurt the bottom line. They can dilute the brand. Best to just send the lawyer after them, right?

It’s kind of ironic to threaten a lawsuit on a DIY punk band who made you look bad when you yourself spend so much space on your site trying to make that band look bad. Essentially, you’ve been doing the same thing that you were afraid Sharkey did to you - it could be argued that you’ve been attempting to mess with their money game via your constant attempts to make Clockcleaner look bad on your site.

Speaking of lawyering up, like I said, I am no attorney but it seems unprofessional for a lawyer to call a person on the phone to yell at them. I certainly think it’s unprofessional for a lawyer to call that person’s loved ones. Some might say that Sharkey has a valid complaint to pass on to the Pennsylvania Bar Association.

Printing unsubstantiated rumors is fucking retarded. Anyone can do it. How easy would it be for me to fill my email in-box by being like Hey, if anyone out there has any great stories about Joey Sweeney, email me here and I’ll print them on Fun Vampires? Pretty fucking easy. Even we wouldn’t do that and we don’t know a goddamned thing about journalism. Sweeney, on the other hand, should know better. He was a professional journalist with seven-year stint as a writer, columnist and editor with the Philadelphia Weekly. His work earned him several awards, including top honors for music criticism from the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies before he moved into the unprofessional world of rumor printing.

If this happened to anyone else with any other band at any other media outlet, Sweeney would have a fucking field day. Seriously, the guy would probably jizz if another media outlet got pranked and he got to make fun of them for it. And, if the person pranked threatened with a lawsuit, shiiiiiit, he’d fucking milk that cow for at least a week. But, it didn’t happen to another media outlet. It happened to him. How pathetic is a person that can dish it out but can’t take it?

Mostly, I just think it’s really fucking incredibly weak (not to mention presumptuous) to dish out insults but not be able to take a simple prank. It’s even weaker to sic a lawyer on someone. Clockcleaner only did what Sweeney had been begging them to do - they finally took his bait, only not the way Sweeney wanted them to. They didn’t get physical; all they bested him with was a stupid fake email. Way to poke a beehive and then complain about getting stung. Real professional.

Maybe Sharkey is clowning us too. If he is, I’ll just laugh it off and promise that we won’t sue him. If he’s not, let this be a lesson to you Philadelphia hipster types out there: Be careful what you say because Philebrity can dish it out but they can’t take it. Say the wrong things and you might get slapped with the threat of a lawsuit (oooooooh! scary!). Abide by Sweeney’s own advice: jerks like this can ONLY subsist in communities as self-loathing as the Philly indie rock scene. Don’t play into that. Like they say, if you see something, say something.

Wait, no, let this be a lesson to Philebrity. You got served.