Breaking News From the Fun Vampires Scientific Research Team! FV Science Lead Mike Hore writes: “I apologize for my laziness. I apologize for the slow response. You see, I have been engaged in a great amount of scholarly research regarding a grand unified theory of deez nutz. As Einstein discovered late in his life, a grand unified theory is beyond the grasp of a single person — even if deez nutz are within arm’s reach.”

“I instead present a working model for deez nutz, making as few assumptions as possible based on mean field considerations. It yields equations of motion for deez nutz, as promised. For refinement… it needs only an interaction parameter between deez nutz. I suggest liberal use of group theory, resulting in the weak force of deez nutz. Unfortunately, it is beyond my knowledge.

Research was tough. It required me listening to thumping Polish house music while bent over, looking upside down through my legs at deez nuts wagging in the mirror behind me. It was a glorious sight. Furthermore, I walked around in the snow last week… without thermals, so as I could gauge the temperature dependence of deez nutz’ spring constant. Research was inconclusive, though I’m hoping NSF will support my grant proposal on the matter.

So in conclusion, future work is needed to improve upon the present work. I suggest looking into the weak theory of deez nutz. That would require a particle physicist. And besides, deez nutz are particles, are they not?”

Click here for the fruits of Mike’s weeks of intensive research. And may God rest your soul…I mean nutz.(PDF)