If Tanis Half-Elven was to fire a steel tipped arrow at some Burmese nationals while hiding out in the Fuherbunker, you’d have my last week’s movie selections. My movie mash up review this time will consist of Dragonlance (2008), Rambo (2008), and Der Untergang (2004) as a pleasing palette cleanser.

Dragonlance (2008)
As a budding reader in the latter half of the 1980s, I had one literary passion, and that was the Dragonlance series of books. Under the deft direction of creators Margaret Weiss and Tracy Hickman, a fantasy world that ripped off Lord of The Rings at every step was created, and I loved it. The animated Dragonlance movie, however, failed to bring to life the cadre of characters I had cared so much for in my youth. Animation needs decent voice actors and the film does (sort of) have that with Michael Rosenbaum (Smallville) as Tanis Half-Elven, Lucy Lawless (Xena) as Goldmoon, and for the love of Paladine I don’t know how they got him, Keifer Sutherland as Raistlin. The voice acting is there, and is done well, but unfortunately that is about all Dragonlance has going for it. The animation is awful; ripped straight from early 80’s cartoons (think He-Man) and given a generous dollop of the late 90’s in the form of Draconians rendered in poorly done CGI. The two make very strange bedfellows and had me scratching my head at more than one point during the film. This may have been forgivable had the story been treated with care, but sadly it was not. The plot meanders and would have those that are not fans of the series wondering why this party of adventurers cared so much about a stupid staff, and fans pissed off because so much of the storyline is omitted. In conclusion, this movie sucked. Next time I get the inclination to watch such a film, remind me to drink a flask of Sepak blood while licking a Gully Dwarf instead.

Rambo (2008)
Sylvester Stallone and my mother have literally the same birth date. If you were into celestial alignments and whatnot, you might think that would mean something, even going as far to say that my mom might have something in common with Stallone’s most famous misunderstood Vietnam Vet (did Judge Dread serve in ‘nam?), but she does not. I’ve never even seen her hold a firearm, much less mow down roughly half the Burmese population with a jeep mounted machine gun. But I digress. There is really no need for a plot synopsis here so I will not give one. If you are looking for a subtle comment on the horrors of war, go elsewhere. If you are looking for an hour an a half long, shoot ‘em upping, arm and leg dismembering, body liquefying, pederast disemboweling gore fest, Rambo is the movie for you.

Der Untergang (2004)
Der Untergang, or Downfall for you non-Germans, is a film by director Oliver Hirschbiegel that attempts to chronicle the 10 days leading up to Adolf Hitler’s suicide and the subsequent surrender of the German army during World War 2. The film takes place mostly through the eyes of Traudl Junge, Hitler’s secretary up to the demise of the Third Reich. Berlin is falling and the German army is being pushed farther and farther back towards the last Nazi stronghold, the Fuherbunker. As Hitler’s (Bruno Ganz) world crumbles around him, he desperately attempts to force his non-existent armies to repel the Bolsheviks while chastising his rapidly deserting inner circle for failing to follow his orders. Ganz’s portrayal humanizes the infamous dictator, who, by the end of the film, is a sad, doddering maniac who believes that suicide is his only recourse. This movie was superb but I don’t know if I can write a review that will properly do it justice. It did, however, make me feel sympathy for Hitler, and any piece of media that actually makes one feel anything other than loathing and disgust for one of the most demonic people in history must be doing something right.