“Do I listen to pop music because I’m depressed or am I depressed because I listen to pop music?” - High Fidelity
My father used to sound like a broken record when he’d repeatedly tell me, “I know why you’re so depressed! It’s that negative music you’re always playing! You need to listen to something more inspiring, something uplifting!” I, of course, ignored him, turned up the stereo and commenced wallowing in my teen angst, but was he right after all? Had my angry, depressed, doom-filled state of mind attracted me to all that music I listened to or did that music actually inspire and cultivate those qualities in me?

Whether it was a wounded Morrissey or a mopey Robert Smith, a tortured Rollins or a one-step-away-from-a-Falling Down-style-rampage Tim Singer , I felt like I could see a piece of myself and my feelings in all of their lyrics. I related to it, absorbed and it became my soundtrack for being an angry, depressed, suburban, white kid. Maybe they truly represented who I was and how I was feeling or maybe I had merely adopted their outlook.

The music kind of became a form of shorthand for expressing my feelings with err uh..someone else’s feelings. I can tell this person exactly how I feel by compiling all these songs… on a mix tape! The t-shirts I wore, the patches on my backpack, the lyrics written on my notebook covers, they all read like a resume to the rejected, ” Hey check out what I’m into ! I hate authority! I am alienated and isolated! We’d probably get along!” It sort of eased the hassle of meeting like minded people when you wore your “things in common” like a coat of arms. ( I swear, I had friendships based solely on the fact we both loved the Fugazi.)

In highschool, like many other punk rockers, I liked a little band called Jawbreaker. The lyrics were bitter and clever, at times self loathing and most importantly, the songs were catchy. The ones I always liked best were about relationships, the good ones and the ones gone bad. Ironically, I had never even kissed a girl, let alone had a girlfriend when 24 Hour Revenge Therapycame out in 1994. So, what exactly I was relating to there, I have no Idea. This only really came to light for me just a couple years ago when I was actually going through a painfully drawn out break-up and found myself listening to a ton of Jawbreaker again. I dug out a copy of their major label debut Dear, You. I had recalled this record to be the “perfect break-up album”, and indeed it is. Only, this time I actually knew what singer Blake Schwartzenbach, was talking about. This old friend from sad times past, was actually a new friend I was only just now meeting for the first time. I found myself, between thoughts of despair and betrayal, cracking up at the thought of my teen self listening to this record in my bedroom totally “feeling it”.

If anything, the music effected how I would look at the world and my perception of my life and those people in it. They set the tone for how I would eventually react to falling for girls and later, to breaking up with them, how I looked at my parents and teachers and my outlook on the future that was waiting for me. It’s hard to say exactly if I’m the type of person I am because of it or despite it but there is really no denying it’s influence.

oh umm here, I made a mixtape for you. I hope you like it.