The Philadelphia Film Fest is coming up April 5 - 18. To get ready, I looked through the entire Program at a Glance, carefully viewing each tiny picture and reading each 20 - 30 word synopsis. My informed, well-intentioned review of each movie, based on this minute information, after the jump.

Ah, Film Fest. I really wish they would make this happen in the winter when it sucks to be outside. Instead, they bring all these potentially cool movies around for a limited time during the best time to be outside all year long. If someone from the fest reads this, can you please remedy this for me? Thx.

Ok. The Program itself looks basically like The Metro, pint-sized, newsprint, pixelated. Like any good mag, you open the cover and are greeted with ads and sponsors. Flip again and the reviews begin. Thirty to a page to be precise, all with little pics and titles and everything. This limited space doesn’t allow for much. The synopsis/commentary all has the same flow:

– “Moviegoers will be shocked out of complacency into facing the facts after watching this well-researched examination of the state of the world’s oil supply.”

– “Sexy, funny and charming, this light-as-air farce tracks a loveable loser caught between two beautiful but loopy women who waiver between head-over-heels in love with him and completely cool to his advances.”

– “Like a high school English class on hallucinogenics, this cardboard cut-out adaption of Dante Aligheri’s classic is a dark morality tale full of entertaining ingenuity - definitely not for younger viewers.”

Juuuust a little feeling, then the thrust. Some forgo the feeling clause and just give you the thrust. No veggies and garnish, just two potatoes and the meat. Oh, and they tell you what country the movie came from, how long it is and when/where it’s playing during the festival — for 150 movies — in six pages.

I might not get around to seeing all or any of these movies, so in an effort to get me out of the house to see some of the [probably] bigger turds of this year’s fest, I’ve set a “price” on my attendance. “I’ll see it for $20″ means that if you paypal me $20, I will go to see that movie. I will not flake out, however, I can’t be in too places at once and I do have to go to work, so movies that conflict with that are a no-go no matter what. Please include with your payment the name of the movie you are paying me to see. Let’s start ok?

– After the Wedding — I wouldn’t see this. Teaser starts “The lonely manager of…” Boooooooring.

– American Fork — It’s about a fat guy and the teaser proudly states “from the creators of Napoleon Dynamite.” 100% chance of college freshmen. Nerds will sell out all three showings probably.

– August the First — Says it’s a “powerful new drama”. Expext tension and this being torn apart. I’ll see this if someone paypals me the admission [adjusted for fees, cab fare, snacks, etc].

– Away From Her — Crappy title. Picture is of two old people. I won’t see this.

– Beauty in Trouble — Another “_______ new drama”. This one is endearing.

– Between Love and Hate — “a tangy, boisterous drama that often feels like a comedy but comes with the serious overtones demanded by a genre that generally ends on a note of sad regret.” Picture shows three tangy Korean ladies looking at a Korean man. Are they preparing for a boisterous foursome? See this one to feel sad regret at the end.

– Beyond the Walls ☺ The Road to Redemption[sic] — The smilie face is supposed to be a square, which is what is printed in the program, but Safari is displaying it wrong. I must have muffed up the unicode. Two black people looking sad in the picture. Maybe narrated by Morgan Freeman I think.

– Big Dreams Little Tokyo — A “loveable comedic debut” by a “promising young director”. It’s about a white man in nerd glasses that wants to put his jam in Japanese women. I hope he gets it, but I won’t see this. Ok I will for $50.

– Blood Ties — It’s Italian and it involves a family. Looks like a turd. I’ll see this for $80.

– The Book of the Dead — Japanese animation by an 82-year-old man. I like stupid crap like this, like everyone else, so this will probably sellout if I try to go see it.

– The Boss of It All — 100% chance of subtitles. I’ll see this for $100.

– The Bothersome Man — “As Kafkaesque as the come…” Sounds confusing and weird. Possible insect content. Nope.

– Boy Culture — The pic shows three shirtless men laying around. Go see this gay movie at the National Constitution Center while it is still legal to be gay. I’ll see this if someone can help me complete my collection of Pet Shop Boys records. Message me for details.

– Broken English — Title is the same as a Marianne Faithfull song that I like. Movie features Parker Posey but all I can see in the pic is a girl talking to a bald guy. I’ll see this if it’s a date and the other person pays for anything I want.

– Cages — “An emotionally crippled ex-paramedic takes daring steps to piece her failing relationship back together…” Dense.

– Cartoons for Big Kids — Picture looks like someone sketching in a coffee shop. Hopefully some funny cartoon boners spice this one up. 100% chance of adult themes. I’ll see this for the price of a trip to Whole Foods.

– Cashback — One time in Wilkes-Barre, PA [or Allentown or whatever] I went into a Turkey Hill convenience store and paid for a drink and bag of chips with a five dollar bill and the two guys behind the counter take the bill, punch some buttons on the register and say “and your change is $43.86″. I looked down at the display to confirm and the one guy goes “well if that’s what it says, then that’s what he gets.” He counts out $43.86 and hands it over with my items. Top 20 moments of my life. I’ll see this for $43.86 x 10.

– The Cats of Mirikitani — The picture is of a very old looking Asian man giving the peace sign. Says he’s a street artist named Jimmy. I gather also that he is probably dead by now. I’m going to see this.

– Change of Address — A funny + sexy movie from France. 2nd “light-as-air farce” so far. But will there be more of these or more “_____ new drama’s”? I’ll see this for a lap dance.

– Cigarettes and Whiskey and Wild Wild Women — eh.

– City in Heat — The plot train makes a stop at one character’s suicide in this one. :(

– A Comedy of Power — “Legendary French New Wave director Claude Chabrol” makes another suspense-type movie. He once published a book about Alfred Hitchcock, so you know what you’re getting into here. “I like they way they think.” — George Michael Bluth

– Comrade Petersen — Says it’s about a schoolteacher who leaves his post to follow a hot, young activist around. I think I can relate to this guy, but I still will not see this.

– Comrades In Dreams — A movie about getting films shown in remote and otherwise difficult places and circumstances. I think.

– Consequences — 38 word write up contains many words that appeal to me — among them “extremely”, “offbeat”, “buddy film”, “Philadelphia”, “football”, “weekend getaway”, “boy’s night out”, “shadowy”, “sex-crazed”, “underworld”, “goes terribly wrong” — yet somehow this still doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe it’s the oblique title. Call it “Philadelphia Boy’s Night Out in Shadowy Sex-Crazed Underworld Goes Terribly Wrong”. I’ll see this for a Mitchell and Ness Eagles Keith Byers jersey.

– Crazy Love — “Stranger than fiction”. Guy has cool suit and 70’s porno shades on in the pic.

– A Crude Awakening: The Oil Crash — The first part of this title is actually under the previous entry to the left, but I’m guessing that this is where it really belongs. It’s clever. Anyways, pic is of a guy in a bathtub filled with what I’m guessing is crude oil. I am outraged?

– Cruel Winter Blues — Looks like a Korean hitman movie but sounds like a Simon and Garfunkel song.

– The Curse of William Penn — A “feel-good documentary” about Philadelphia’s “feel-bad sports franchises”. See this movie drunk and punch someone 30 minutes in for maximum intensity.

– Dans Paris — Alert. “_________ new drama”. This one is comic. That’s number three.

– Dante⌐s Inferno[sic] — Actually sounds neat. Cardboard cut-outs? Expect to see R.A.M.B.O. fans taking notes. Last show bonanza is coming up!

– Day Night Day Night — “In what is sure to be one of the most talked-about films in the festival this year…” This is about searching the mind of a suicide bomber. Hopefully they are searching for treasure. I will see this for $900.

–Dead Daughters — “The international horror movie sensation…from…Russia?!” I guess Russia is not known for its horror movies. I did not know that.

– Diggers — “At once bouyant, comic and tender…” This is about townies in the Hamptons. The pic features Daniel Stern and Dennis Quaid look alikes hanging out with two other dudes dressed as townies in this sequel to Breaking Away.

– A Dirty Carnival — This write-up features the adjectives “auspicious”, “visceral”, “second”, “Korean”, “disreputable” and the nouns “bravado”, “uncertainty” and “poignancy”. I will not see this for less than $100.

– Disney Programs — Two separate programs of sweet Disney cartoon magic. How lame am I for being way stoked? The picture shows Roger Rabbit looking frazzled.

– Dry Season — An angry looking African kid looks at a scary and pensive African man in this “atmospheric character drama”. Takes place in Chad.

– Eagle vs. Shark — Somewhat surprisingly, this is not the opening band at a show you wouldn’t go to, but the title of a movie you wouldn’t see. The picture features a guy in an eagle suit and a dame in a shark suit whawha WHAT? I’ll see this for all the tea in China.

– Election — No “internationally acclaimed, unconventional thriller”, no matter how cool, makes me wish this wasn’t the Election with Reese Witherspoon and Matther Broderick. Probably great despite my wishes.

– End of the Line — Whoa. A slasher film featuring “blood-thirsty Christian cult members” ON A RAMPAGE IN A SUBWAY. “A group of strangers unites in an effort to escape…in this apocalyptic slasher film that’s unapologetically rauncy and sacreligious.” The one sentence write-up has found a home and this movie has found a viewer!

– Exiled — This guy, Johnny To [cool name], also made the above-mentioned “Election” [imagine him saying that title in his statistically-probable Asian accent for maximum hilarity]. Write-up says its his homage to spaghetti westerns. As you may have inferred from the picture of Lee Van Cleef, this movie probably will appeal to me.

– Fair Play — I think the picture is of a man with a fishing rod fishing for another man with no pants. From France, obviously. 60% chance of dirty Frenchmen eating baguettes.

– Fantasia — Disney. Philadelphia orchestra [not live, but how bonkers would that be]. One screening only means that this is going to be a hot ticket. Someone sell me mushrooms.

– Fay Grim — Title is very oblique and the picture is of a man and a woman looking perplexed. Made by Hal Hartley. I’ll see it for $300.

– Feel — Four guys go to an “Asian ‘massage parlor’” and have a sexy party. Picture features a bona fide piece of work on all fours. Second movie about white men wanting to copulate with Asian women. I’ll see this one for a happy ending. [Additional terms and conditions apply.]

– Forever — A movie about Père Lachaise Cemetery and people going there to look at the famous people’s graves. Which is what lots of people do while in Paris.

– Forty-Eight Hour Film Project — Didn’t this used to be only 24-hours? Were the movies too crappy with such little time to work on them? Actually I think that’s a different make-a-film-in-only-this-much-time project. I’d look it up, but I have over 100 more reviews to go.

– Fracture — Scientists make monkeys with three arms and three legs in Akron, Ohio. No Way!

– Ghosts of Cit0 Soleil — Documentary about, Cité Soleil, a horrible slum in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. The title is in Danish, so the number 0 in “Cit0″ is supposed to be the character that looks like a big O with a slash through it, but i couldn’t figure it out the unicode.

– Grave Decisions — Mom dies. Kid plays guitar. Dad’s a barkeep. Title is punny.

– The Greatest Love of All — 2006 Montreal Film Festival’s Best Film Awardee. But can it repeat the success next year?

– The Guardian☺s Son[sic] — Maybe a different font or text-editing program? That’s the third unicode box instead of a real punctuation mark so far. I am now considering these mistakes as a sure sign that I should not see a particular movie. [note: Safari fucked up the unicode AGAIN. It’s supposed to be a square. This browser is shite.]

– Heavy Mental — A program of shorts. I hope they share more than just a few letters with the 1981 animated monster of a movie Heavy Metal. Like maybe the big boobs and Black Sabbath.

– Hell☺s Ground[sic] — That’s number four. Too bad cause it’s a Pakistani zombie/psychopath killer movie. Holy Shit. [Again, it’s supposed to be a square, not a smiley face, because that’s what’s printed in the program. I may re-edit this at work in a proper browser. Maybe not.]

– How Much Further? — Ninety-six reviews, including this one! eh? eh? wua wua wuaaaaa. I’ll see this for one good punch in the director’s belly.

– Hula Girls — This movie is about Japanese girls who dream about being hula dancers. What a turgid boner ride. I applaud the genius behind this one. The program alleges that it was a hit at the 2006 Toronto Film Festival. [ed note: insert “extreme fat lady on daytime tv show O RLY gif”]

– I Don☺t Want to Sleep Alone[sic] — That’s number five. Picture is of a shirtless man on which a butterfly has landed. [again, square, not smile.]

– In the Shadow of the Moon — Features “never-before seen footage of space”. Promising. I’ll see this for $75.

– Invisible Waves — Japanese gangster out of his element in Thailand. Picture is small and is no help in figuring out anything.

– Jindabyne — Australians discover a corpse. and secrets. Picture of two guys chillin’. Looks lame.

– Judy Toll: The Funniest Woman You☺ve Never Heard of[sic] — Again with the unicode [#6]. I’ve kind of put the banana up my own tailpipe by disqualifying this one for myself. Here’s a doc about a comic, from Philadelphia, who never quite got her due. Cutting her teeth at Un-Cabaret and lampooning the Dice Man in a stand-up show of her own, this lady died from melonoma a few years ago. But rules are rules. Maybe i’ll put it in the netflix queue.

– Just Sex and Nothing Else — “I can think of two things wrong with that title.” — Nelson Muntz

– Khadak — I think this will be basically cool shots of mountains the whole time. Takes place in Mongolia. Kind of neat. Lose the actors maybe?

– The Killer Within — Whoa. Some guy basically lives his entire life, raises a family, etc. and then reveals that he killed his roommate at Swarthmore College back in the 50’s? Maybe good to watch on tv if you’re bored.

– The King of Kong — I like the premise. Two guys, one a seasoned champion, the other a cocky novice, battle it out to see who can get the absolute highest score on Donkey Kong. But how does it take 79 minutes to tell this story? Cut it down to two 10-min Youtube videos I think.

– The Kovak Box — Spanish Sci-Fi. yawn.

– Kurt Cobain About a Son — I’ll see basically anything involving Nirvana. Note: this doesn’t include that movie from a few years ago that “wasn’t” really about Kurt, or whatever. That whole thing bugged me for some reason. The kid from that movie plays [played?] in a band called Pagoda and i was one of only eight people to stick around to watch them in the First Unitarian Church basement after Deerhoof finished playing. Why? Because I had to sweep up after they were finished. What a debacle. The kid that played “Johnny” on the show “The O.C.” played drums. They were awful. I’ll see that movie three times for original pressings of every Nirvana record ever.

– Lake of Fire — A “remarkably balanced” look at the history of “abortion rights” in America. Picture shows [presumably] wingnut bible thumpers picketing. God I hate these people. I’ll see this for $10,000.

– Life and Lyrics — “British answer to 8 mile” touts the teaser. Hugh Laurie cameo as battle-rapping auto worker in the lunch line [in my dreams!]. Actually this sounds like crap.

– Life Can Be So Wonderful — A Japanese “film poem”. Hauntingly beautiful. solitude. melancholy. A girl lays on a bad. Soft focus. I’ll see this for $100 plus taxi.

– Life Support — Fuck yeah. Queen Latifah, herein misspelled as “Queen Latifa”, beat-boxer while she was still a juvenile, recorded for Tommy boy at 18, should have won best supporting actress for stealing the show as Matron “Mama” Morton in the film version of Chicago, outspoken advocate for gay-rights and a living middle to the fashion world as a fat Maybelline Cover Girl. Still, I probably won’t see this movie but Queen Latifah is great. Such an undeniable “shit eatin’ grin”.

– The Little Things — Looks dumb. Nothing further.

– The Living and the Dead — “Hallucinatory British gothic fantasia of death and psychological decay”. Promising? Photo of three people laying in the bed.

– The Lost World Of Tibet — Footage of Tibet before the Chinese People’s Liberation Army tore it up [the land, not the film]. I highlighted the title in my program to rememeber to Netflix it.

– Mainline — An Iranian movie about a girl who can’t get the monkey off her back. I’m kind of curious about this movie because it’s from Iran [and Iran is so hot right now] but I would kind of rather see an Iranian comedy. I want to see what’s funny over there. Get to know how they think.

– The Memory Thief — A tollbooth worker is obsessed with the holocaust. The festival is honoring the guy in this movie, so that’s a bonus. I’ll see this if the festival honors me next year.

– Mischief Night — Several generations of two different families, one white and one muslim, find common ground in working class Leeds in this farcical romp.

– Mojave Phone Booth — A phonebooth in the desert + otherworldly things + inspired by true phenomenon = yawn time. I’ll see this for the new cellphone of my choosing plus two years of the service plan of my choosing.

– Monkey Warfare — Another unfortunate misnomer. Whatever happens, it probably is going to be less entetaining than a YouTube video of real deal monkeys fighting. Says it will have you “dusting off your cop[y] of Mao’s Little Red Book”, which reminds me of this amazing exchange:

czarnuch posted this on March 19th, 2007 @ 9:52:07 pm
BritishTranslator posted this on March 19th, 2007 @ 9:45:21 pm
wow, ok dude. first of all, this is the 15th edition of a thread dedicating to upping music for “free”. second of all, i own this record, as in I bought it. thirdly, it came out 12 fucking years ago. I believe the statute of limitations for a drone record getting you on a higher career track expires after 8 years or 6 synth purchases, whichever occurs first. fourthly, stop fetishizing class mobility.

first of all i hate on bitches when they ain’t putting up oop or rich boi shit. second i never knew that the fact that one person bought a record gave them the right to give it to the rest of the world for free. thanks for informing me of that. third, definitely not drone, learn what the word means n00b. fourth, better dead than red marx boy.

ipitcher posted this on March 19th, 2007 @ 9:58:27 pm
Hate on bitches ain’t oop rich boi n00b better dead than red marx boy.

The Internet fuck yeah!

– Mr Pilipenko and His Submarine — There’s a Billy Bob Thorton movie that was out recently [is out?] about a farmer who builds his own rocket to go to space. This is like that, but instead of a rocket built by an American farmer, it’s a submarine built by a retired Ukrainian man. Also this movie is real, so I will see it and not a crappy Billy Bob Thorton movie. Netflix.

– My Son — “intense family drama”. INTENSE!

– Nero bifamiliare — Sounds kind of like an Italian version of The ‘Burbs, which my dad rented for me and my friends during a sleepover birthday party I had when I was younger, maybe 8 or 10. He also rented us Who’s Harry Crumb? starring the inimitable John Candy, the sultry Annie Potts and the absolutely gorgeous Shawnee Smith. It was funny and had hot babes in it. We watched both movies and then everyone wanted to watch The ‘Burbs again, because it was a little scary and a little sci-fi, and I wanted to watch Who’s Harry Crumb? again for reasons I couldn’t quite articulate [I hadn’t learned to listen to my “other brain” yet]. I didn’t pull some it’s-my-party shit. Instead, I went with the flow and we all watched The ‘Burbs for a second and, immediately afterwards, a third time. In the morning when everyone left, I watched Who’s Harry Crumb? again alone, sprawling out on the couch and contenplated the very, very strange and strong feelings coming over me when Annie Potts seduced and Shawnee Smith smiled. Anyways, fuck this Italian movie.

– The Night of the Sunflowers — “narratively intense Spanish thriller”. INTENSE!

– On a Tightrope — A Muslim community in China coerces their children to walk on tightropes. Heart-warming and weird movie probably.

– Once — Audience Award-winner at 2007 Sundance. It involves an [probably rogue-ish] Irish street musician who tries to bang out with a pretty Czech pianist. Sounds ok if you like romance and slimy musicians.

– The Orange Thief — “Made in Italy by Philadelphia filmmakers, this sweet and heartfelt movie is the rare example of a foreign film in the Festival of Independents.” That, and a picture of a guy playing guitar in jail, is all they give me as a teaser. What a load. I will only see this movie if someone paypals me $1000.

– Orangelove — “haunting Faustian AIDS drama”. Probably the best of its genre.

– Out of This World Animation — A bunch of “eye-popping” cartoons. I’m listening…

– The Paper — A year in the life of Penn State college journalists making The Daily Collegian, but I bet they only show the lame parts. I’ll see this one for ten cases of the beer of my choosing.

– Paprika — Surreal anime about dreams, etc. Putting out movies like this is like robbing me at gunpoint. I’m seeing it only because it’s animated. If the same write up featured a picture of real people, I’d hate it. Maybe I just hate real life.

– Princess — I saw the title and prayed to the almighty that this was going to be a full-length movie version of the proposed internet cartoon made by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. If you haven’t seen the two episoded that made it onto the internet, do so immediately. So I was kind of let down for a second but then I realised that this is a cartoon movie about getting revenge on evil pornographers and the picture features what I believe is a cartoon foursome being documented by a cameraman and a guy holding a boom mic. I will see this, but I still wish it was what I thought it was.

– Red Road — Grand Jury Prize-winner from Cannes Film Festival last year. How does that grab you?

– The Road — “beautiful, sweeping Chinese drama” about a young girl coming to terms with her government mandated destiny. No thanks.

– Rocket Science — A guy who stutters joins the high-school debate team. I actually dig the premise. My brother used to stutter. I also like the Kiss song “Strutter”, a single from their debut album getting a second-life [or tenth life maybe] because it was featured in Guitar Hero 2.

– S&Man — A controversial documentary about underground horror films. What a virgin nerdfest! I’ll wait for Exhumed Films to screen it. I’ve got a lot of sexy time movies to see during this festival. I don’t need these loser virgins to ruin the moment.

– Salty Air — A guy who works at a jail meets his father, serving time in the jail, for the first time. How convenient.

– Scribe Video Project — Sounds and looks too urban [black] for me.

– The Secret Cinema Presents Stag Movie Night… — Oh god. I will look like such a loser creep going to this alone. And why the fuck isn’t this showing at The Forum? Here in the city, we have a theater DEDICATED to showing adult movies and the Festival organizers just ignore it and choose the I-house [cool place regardless] to show some smut. What a load of crap.

– Severance — Highly hyped, “absurdist black comedy, razor-sharp wit and, or course, bloody terror in another terrific addition to the burgeoning British horror scene.” The neglected to mention the woman’s breasts in the photo, which are burgeoning right out of her jacket. Sounds cool.

– Singapore Dreaming — A guy from Singapore wins the lottery and his families materialistic dreams don’t exactly come true. What a downer.

– Sisters — A remake of the Brian DePalma movie. This version features Chloe Sevigny taking a dump topless.

– 638 Ways to Kill Castro — I’m reviewing 150 movies based on a one sentence teaser and photo and this movie reviews the alleged 638 ways to assassinate Fidel Castro in one 75 minute movie. That roughly 8.5 ways per minute. Anyways, both projects are irresponsible in their ambition.

– Slumming — “extremely entertaining comedic drama”. It’s about practical jokers. Maybe it will be ok.

– So Long, My Heart! — 75% chance of this being a pitiful bunch of boring barf. I’ll see this for $2,000.

– Soft Pretzels, Cheese-Steaks and Other Acts of God! — Do you hypenate the word “cheese-steak”. Cheese steak? Cheesesteak? maybe? I remember one of the free weekly papers gave a bad review to a resturant because they claimed that “cheesesteak” [or however you spell it] was spelled wrong. Anyways, this should be showing at the visitors center and not the I-house. I will see this if someone paypals me $500.

– Somewhere Too Far — melodrama from Iran. I don’t want to knock it but I don’t want to endorse it. 50% chance it will be mediocre.

– Sounds of Sand — A parable about Africans looking for water. Damn that would be the worst. 90% chance of lots of whooooshhhhh-ing sounds of sand.

– Stone Soup! — “Excellent examples of hardcore indie filmmaking, with no money down!” Oh yeah? Prove it. 60% chance I don’t believe it. I’ll see this if someone paypals me $100 per short in the showing.

– Charity — Alan Cumming solo directorial debut. I guess he stars in it too because the teaser picture is of him laying on the floor. I’ll def Netflix this one. [probably titled “Suffering Man’s charity”. See: Taxidermia review for more details.]

ps — It just occured to me that I keep saying that I’ll netflix a lot of these movies when probably none of them are even available by such means. oops.

– A Summer Day — “assured, understated drama”. Everything I know about this movie so far makes me want to kill myself. 100% chance that I won’t see this.

–Superheroes — This film “comes with an intensely topical urgency”. Sadly that phrase does not describe the manner in which it ejaculates all over the audience. That would’ve been a cool concept.

– Swedish Auto — “Lukas Haas’ precisely muted performance anchors this lyrical and strangely romantic mood piece about layers of voyeurism in a small town.” Confusing.

– Sweet Mud — “superb, sophisticated and compelling drama”. Triple drama score.

– Suffering Man☺s Taxidermia[sic] — The words “Suffering Man☺s” appear over the picture in the program. Based on the presumption that all of these are in alphabetical order [I’m actually starting to wonder], these word belong to the movie Charity and not this one, however, they’re over this photo, so they’re part of this review. So, given my previous edict [see The Guardian☺s Son review], I refuse to see this. Too bad cause it looks like it may be pretty cool. [note: again, all the smiles are supposed to be squares. I hate this.]

– Tazza: The High Rollers — South Korean gambling movie. “A unique flavor.” ok.

– The Ten — Ten short films about each commandment. The photo features a woman I believe to be Winona Ryder. I’d love to star in short film about adultry with her IYKWIM.

– Ten Canoes — Indigenous Australian people love and are jealous of stuff. Set in the distant past. I won’t not say thay I wouldn’t ever want to not see this movie, but I will not say that I wouldn’t never want to not see this movie.

– Tender is the Wolf — Tunisian guys rape a woman and pay the price. Says it’s “gritty”. I’ll take [the program’s] word for it.

– The Page Turner — “This taut, classical French thriller about a young girl who moves into a famous pianist’s house with a plot to exact revenge will send chills up your spine.” Sinister and sapphic. 100% chance of evil doings. 50% chance of sapphic underpinnings. I’ll see this for $50.

– The Unseeable — The obvious, watermelon-sized joke will not be made about this unseeable movie, because everything has its price. Mine is $750 to see this movie.

– Them — Couple stays at a remote country estate and is terrorized by unknown assailants. 40% chance of supernatural occurances. 45% chance of religious overtones. I’ll see this for $500.

– 30 — This reminds me that I have to go see 300 while it’s [hopefully] still in Imax theaters.

– Time — Allegedly south Koreans are obsessed with plastic surgery. I did not know that. This movie lampoons that obsession, but I wouldn’t get it. 100% chance of AGWBB. I’ll see this if I can go for freeand get free popcorn and a water.

– The Town that Was — A movie about Centralia, PA and the eleven people who still live there. If you don’t know about this town, basically, the practice of burning garbage ignited the coal in the ground, which has been burning since the 60’s [I think, check the wikipedia article]. Real life insanity. Why are these people still living there I will never know, even after I see the movie. Nothing could explain dumbness of this magnitude [maybe it’s the cardon monoxide].

– Trapped Ashes — Strangers tell ghost stories. 15% chance of a hook in a car door.

– Triad Election — I was sitting here thinking I’d reviewed this one already and then the teaser winds up saying that this is the sequal to a movie also playing in the festival. Johnny To is a very popular movie-maker it seems. 100% chance of brutal happenings. I’ll see it for $100.

– Trigger Man — “The hunters become the hunted in this experimental low-budget thriller of rural mayhem from Delaware’s own young horror auteur, Ti West.” I’ll see this one if The Pist play a reunion show in Philadelphia.

– 12:08 East of Bucharest — I read the description and I can’t imagine ever seeing this. Sorry. Maybe for $300.

– 2 Minutes Later — The phrase “lesbian gumshoe” sticks out of this review like Joe Pesci and Maria Tomei in Beechum County, Alabama.

– Unholy Women — The image of “a ghostly young girl” is a “standard Japanese horror film leitmotif”. I did not know that. 99% chance of creepy Japanese “sensibilities”.

– The Untouchable — About a young French actress finding her father in India. eh. I’ll see this for $500.

– Uro — Jeez. “[T]his exemplary take on the classic anti-hero police thriller.” The picture features a guy in a knit cap with a beard looking a bit grizzly and yet pensive and troubled. Bring me the burn remains of this film and I’ll buy you a drink.

– VHS - Kahloucha — Documentary about “Tunisia’s premier amateur auteur filmmaker”, the very phrase makes my balls shrivel up in disgust. Sucks because I would probably enjoy this just for the esoteric-ness.

– La Vie en Rose — It’s about Edith Piaf. Sounds good to me.

– Visions of Persistence — “This program honors the independent animators who devote themselves to staying true to their dreams and creating films outside of the demands of the commercial market.” 50% chance that half of the cartoons are terrible. I’ll see it for $69 per cartoon in the showing.

– Viva — A housewife on a journey of sexual self-discovery. Movies like that were my bread and butter during adolescence, stoking the fire in my loins and mostly shaping my future desire for natural breasts, feathered hair and bush. So this homage to 70’s sexploitation films will probably peel my potato like a starving Irishman. Eh, maybe that’s, no, that’s not even funny. No time to change it now.

– Waiter — I think there is some meta-weird things going on in this one. Character somehow communicates with the author penning his life. The picture shows a guy laying in a large fish tank. Supposed to be a comedy. 75% chance of confusing events and things. I’ll see this if the Lord Almighty provides me with $1,000,000.

–Waitress — How adorable. GONG.

– War in Peace — Two documentaries regarding local groups / events. See this if you care about things. I’m not going to make smart remarks about outraged veterans.

– War/Dance — Ugandan children, traumatized by a local rebel group, practice for a music competition. “heartwarming and heartbreaking”. Honestly, the supposed emotional swing of this movie sounds like a prank or a psychological experiement.

– Warchild — dance the daaayyys and dance the niiiiiights awaaaaayyy. “A mother goes on an epic and intense journey…” INTENSE!

– Whispering of the Gods — “The most controversial Japanese drama in recent years…” Sex abuse and the seminary. Shocking and explicit. American debut.

– White Palms — Kids gymnastics and a look at child abuse. Definitely not seeing this depressing fest. 99.9% chance of people crying at this one.

– Who Loves the Sun — Who cares that it makes flowers, who cares what it does since you broke my heart. Baa Ba Ba Baaaaa. Who Loves the Sun. I don’t care, I like that, and a few other songs, on that last Velvet Underground record. “superbly-acted drama”. What a subgenre.

– Wholetrain — What up son. This movie is about graffiti writers and their struggle to remain true to their culture of writing on other people’s things while balancing their impending adulthood.

–Wicked Flowers — Video games, strange and deadly parallel universe, David Lynch’s last name used as an adjective. You know what you’re getting from this write-up.

– Woman on the Beach — “Tender and witty romantic comedy.” Straight out of South Korea. Says this is the director’s best work to date. The story is about a filmmaker and his tormented love affairs. Do you think if Woody “Freaky-Ass” Allen was Korean he would adopt a young white girl and marry her years later?

– You Are Here — and I am there, blah blah blah blah blah balh blah balh blah. I love Plow but I don’t know the words to that song and frankly I think it’s probably the weakest one on their debut. That’s not really dissing it too much though because it’s basically a flawless record by one of the three best pop punk bands of all-time. Yeah I went there. Suck my dick and this movie’s dick to disagree.

– Zoo — OH SHIT. A movie about “Mr. Hands”. Why not step up to the plate and give this movie a title worthy of this cultural phenomenon. The obvious choice is “Did He Cum?” Anyway, it says “[t]his dreamlike, poetic film takes a surprisingly sensitive look at the bizarre but true story of a Washington State man who died after having sex with a horse in 2005.” I love the “surprisingly sensitive” part, like the reviewer expected the movie to be 80 min of “OH MY GOD LOL TAHT HORSE’S DICK IS GIGANTIC WHAT A WEIRDO AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT’S GOING ON!!!!!!! EW EW EW EW EW L,OLOLOLOLOLO”. 25% chance they show the nuclear-bomb-of-an-internet-clip in this movie.

– Special Presentations — Four classic films with Q&A to follow. Check the internet for what and where cause this is the last entry and I’m pooped.

ok that’s it everyone. Anyone seeking to paypal me money to get me to see any of the movies in the fest, just leave a comment and I’ll get in touch. bye bye!