Hippies bemoan opening day of Birkenstock hunting season

It’s been more than 80 years since the curmudgeonly ex-pat poet, T.S. Eliot emerged bloated and bothered from a winter-long buffet of bangers, mash, and Bass to declare April to be the cruelest month. And while that sentiment still rings true for 10th grade English teachers and struggling artist-baristas, perhaps nobody understands the anguish and anxiety brought about by the day of fools like the Birkenstock-emblazoned co-eds, hippies, and Beaners of Boalsburg, PA, a small hamlet just outside the state capital.

April 1 officially kicks off the 5^th Annual Birkenstock Hunting Season in the rural Pennsylvania town of 25,000. For many local sportsmen, the month-long season breaks up the monotony of hunting the usual mountainous menagerie.

“Well, I’ve hunted deer, bears, raccoons, beaver, elk, squirrels, red-tailed squirrels, beaver, white-tailed squirrels, beaver. But pounding that same beaver gets a little old after a while, ya know what I mean buddy?” cajoles Henry “Buckshot” Kegelmaier, a 56 year-old Boalsburg resident and co-founder of Bag-a-Birkie, the official day-long beer swilling and hunting spectacle that kicks off the first day of Birkenstock season. “Shootin’ some sandies gives us folk somethin’ to look forward to in between trout season and the second white-tailed squirrel season. Besides, it’s a good warm up for my paint ball league. Better watch out, Chuck! Got ya in my sights this year, you fat bastard.”

While local sportsmen fill with child-like anticipation, fear and anxiety runs rampant across through local college dorms, ultimate Frisbee leagues, and drum circles.

“It’s like what they said about Hitler. First, it was the gays, then it was the Jews, man. Then it was Tevas. Then it’s like, whoa, why are you shooting at me? Where’s the love, dude? Right?” ponders Chase Tutle, a 26-year-old philosophy major at the local state university.
“It’s survival of the fittest out here,” laments Tutle’s live-in girlfriend and health foods store clerk Aariana Jameson. “You just never know when your time is up. One second I could be stocking some locally grown, organic, vegan mushroom-artichoke brownies, the next, it’s lights out. These hunters harsh my mellow, for sure.”

Civil rights groups and humanitarian non-profits such as Americans for the Sanctuary of Sandies have rallied to the Birkies’ cause, trying to introduce legislation that would ban all forms of Birkenstock hunting. However, a split within the organization has hampered efforts thus far.

“I’ll be frank,” says former ASS president Craig Mallory. “It’s not just the choice of footwear. It’s that damn patchouli. Can’t stand the stuff. Is this off the record? I gotta get rolling. The hunt’s about to go off and I don’t want to be late.”