Art Vandelay here, back with another installment of my totally amateur, totally unqualified, love and sex advice. But it’s the thought that counts, right? Well, enough jibber-jabber, let’s get on to it…

I don’t know if I really have a problem, but I think that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. He works late often, likes to have his “guys nights” and is sometimes too tired for sex. I guess my questions are, do guys really work late? Do all guys cheat? Whats the best way to catch a cheater?

Paranoid Android

I was actually conversing about this letter with my lawyer, H.E. Pennypacker, and it’s his opinion that there just isn’t enough evidence to prove your man is cheating. Some guys really do work late. For instance, I had a newlywed boss who put in more hours at the job than with his wife. This dude worked late all the time and he wasn’t banging shit on the side; actually, he probably was barely banging his wife. I mean this dude looked like malnourished Rick Moranis. We live in a day and age where many people focus intently on their careers and feel like their job defines them and don’t mind chugging the corporate cock way past dinnertime. That being said, there are definitely dudes whose “late hours at the office” are spent at a titty bar, or some young slut’s lady’s apartment.

Do all guys cheat? No. (See my Rick Moranis-esque former boss or any guy that actually values commitment.) Do a lot of guys cheat? A lot probably have at some point in time and smaller portion of that do habitually. As with all things, generalizations are what they are; there’s a good chance they’re not relevant to a specific situation.

If you were to start noticing changes in your man, there would be reason for you to be more suspicious. Obviously working late is one sign, as is loss of interest in fucking, but those two could be related. If the dude is putting in legit long hours, he might not have the energy to put your head through a wall when he gets home. Other things to look out for are if when you do have sex, is he trying new things or telling you to do something different, like asking you to tickle the underside of his balls or maybe he’s playing with your back door a lil’ bit more. Is he talking about a specific female more often in conversation? Another thing is if he is dressing nicer or taking better care of himself, like trimming his pubes and working out. Guys get comfortable with their girlfriends and feel like they don’t have to impress them anymore. So if he’s stepping up his appearance game all of a sudden, this could be reason to believe he is trying to impress someone else. He could be seeing a dude “on the DL” as well. What? It’s a possibility.

My final piece of advice; if you happen to live in Texas, give Joey Greco a call. If not, just pay attention to his behavior, but until you notice something really suspicious (like a jizz stain on his shirt or lipstick on his collar), cut the dude some slack. You could always trail his ass too, if you feel like getting your Columbo on.

First off, you have to promise to make this anonymous because its kind of embarrassing. I had been dating a girl for a bunch of years and had crazy sex with her. We did pretty much everything not disgusting like poop and animals. We broke up and I decided to make myself feel better by doing a bunch of chicks the problem is I am having trouble with the sex part. I cant get hard. I have never had this problem before, I could always get hard. Should I take a Viagra? Do you know whats wrong with me?

(Can’t) Get On Up’ah

Hate to break it to you, but you’re not over your ex yet. You’re just not acclimated to having sex with other people. You say you had no problems getting rocked up for your former flame, so its not like you turned impotent over night. There was a certain comfort level that you had with your ex, that you aren’t going to have with some girl you winked at during last call.

You can try psyching yourself into getting a boner. Maybe you need a drill sergeant in the bedroom next time you are staring down at your dead snake. What’s R. Lee Ermey up to these days? I’m sure he can be had for a free meal. Or maybe you need to picture your ex when you are with a different chick. Kinda like the opposite of a married dude that pictures other chicks when banging his wife. I’m sure with time you’ll be doing all things not “poop and animals” with some other cum dumpster respectable woman.

The only other thing I can think of his to hire an escort, I mean, they are “professionals”. Alright, alright…I’ll quit it now.

Remember, folks, if you have some kind of love or sex problem, send in your questions to fvloveadvice@gmail.com and maybe it will be answered in next week’s edition of Fun Vampire Love and Sex Advice with Art Vandelay.