Discovery channel has launched a great new series of commercials for the United States military. Each commercial comes in the form of an hour long infomercial (including commercials) about a different “combat zone.” I recently had the pleasure of seeing, “Invasion of Grenada” (sponsored by Cinderella III, A Twist in Time). Goddamn was it ever an action packed roller coaster ride! And, while there wasn’t much history in there, I definitely learned a few things.

Before I start talking about how awesome this show was, I feel like I should recap the history of the conflict. I know history is mad boring and I want to applaud Discovery for cutting out any historical context from their amazing commercial. Who has time for that bullshit anyway? Not me. But there’re alot of nerds out there, so, if you give a shit, here’s my wikipedia history report.

Grenada had been a British colony for over 100 years before Eric Gairy led the country to independence in 1974. Gairy then became the first Prime Minister. Dude turns out to be a douchebag and in 1979, while Gairy’s on a trip to the UN talking about UFOs, there’s a coup. Maurice Bishop, economist and black power advocate, becomes Prime Minister. Bishop heads a social/political movement called “The New Jewel Movement”. JEWEL stands for Joint Endeavor for Welfare, Education, and Liberation. They were a leftist (populist) party promoting scary communist policies like welfare and education. However, everyone knew Gairy was a herb, so the global community was pretty cool with Bishop taking over. Over the next four years, Bishop makes some controversial moves. He dissolves the parliament and cancels elections. The New Jewel Movement becomes the de facto government. Grenada begins to strengthen it’s diplomatic ties to Cuba and the USSR. Cuban military advisors are brought in. Armed Cuban construction workers begin building an airport. In short, dude starts running shit Eastern Bloc style.

However, it’s not all roses and sickles. Politics is politics. For every playa (dictator) there’s a hater (dictator wannabe). In the end Bishop’s homies turned on him. Bishop is placed under house arrest by the same army that he created. Bernard Coard, a friend of Bishop’s since childhood, becomes the new Prime Minister. Supporters of Bishop were able to free him from house arrest on the morning of October 19, 1983 but later that same day dude got executed. The end had come for Bishop and the future of Grenada was uncertain. In a certain sense the end of Bishop gave birth to a giant, confused shit.

Reagan, seeing a great opportunity to kill a bunch of poor brown commies (PBCs) and spray shit everywhere, decided to use the special forces as a fan. But how could he justify risking American lives to topple the government of a tiny Carribean island? Fortunately for Reagan there were a number of Americans in Grenada - medical students in particular at St. George’s University. These kids had to be saved! Grenada, acknowledging that their shit was chaotic and unstable and dangerous, assured the United States that no Americans would be harmed and offered us a chance to evacuate those citizens who wished to leave (an informal poll by the chancellor found that 90% of students wanted to stay). But Reagan knew better than to deal with commies. Maybe Grenada was safe for the students before we decided to rescue them, but the special forces had to save those poor students and, if that meant war, then so be it.

This is the beginning of “Invasion of Grenada.” And it’s painfully hilarious to watch Discovery and the armed forces labor to make this invasion look anything other than fucked up. We see a bit of archival footage and many reenactments (mostly shadowy brown people shooting guns from the bushes). A few students tell their tales. But the heart of the commercial is the testimony of a few American soldiers.

The airport is the first target and the special forces had a plan: Ambush the airport in broad daylight with a shitload of helicopters. Unfortunately, when the troops got to the airport, they got ambushed. The runway was covered with bonfires and those damn Cubans were shooting back! The bastards ambushed our ambush! A helicopter winds up crashing in the trees. A rescue mission ensues. Lots of people die. Unfortunately some of these people are poor American kids but fortunately most of them are Cubans and maybe a few PBCs. Ultimately, firepower trumps incompetence and the troops get the airport.

Their next stop is the St. George dorms, where we meet a few students. Imagine Zach Morris and pals starring in “Doctors of the Carribean.” These kids were definitely not ready for the revolution and they were scared shitless. They saw brown people with guns! They were told to stay in their dorms! Classes were cancelled! One girl waved at a soldier and he waved back! The Horror! The Horror! Boy were those kids stoked when white people with guns showed up.

The Special Forces easily herds these sheep onto helicopters. For some strange reason (propaganda) there is a ton of footage of these students. You get to watch them run onto the helicopter. You get to watch them land in America and kiss the ground. It all seems pretty dramatic. They were trapped in the clutches of those evil brown commies but by some kind of crazy miracle we got each and every one of them home safe and sound.

At this point, we learn that there are many more students spread throughout the country. So, Reagan’s worst fear is realized. We’re going to have to topple the government and “crush the last pockets of resistance” in order to save those precious students. Apparently, we also (barely) rescue some political prisoners (CEOs) from prison but never learn who these people were or what their “politics” were. We also flew some helicopters really awesome fast in a tight formation. Three of them crashed. Some more American kids died, but even more were injured so there was another awesome rescue.

It’s the classic story. Reagan wants to make an example out of some uppity PBCs. The public is duped with some student rescue bullshit. The actual invasion is a mixture of accidents and incompetence. A large number of Grenadans and a much smaller number of American soldiers die. Maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time, but like most wars it turned out retarded.

It all seems like a terrible idea for a military commercial. But I applaud the Discovery channel for pushing through anyway. Leave the larger history of the conflict for the History channel. There are more important points to be made: Guns are awesome. Killing brown people is ok. And, if some poor American kid dies, dulce et decorum est. Onward to Iran!

Epilogue: Bomb ‘Em and Buy ‘Em!

“After the invasion, United States gave $48.4 million in economic assistance to Grenada in 1984, and the CIA secretly spent $650,000 to aid a pro-American candidate in that year’s election.” - Wikipedia

Sources: Wikipedia, Discovery’s “Invasion of Grenada”, Foreign Policy in Focus, Cinderella III and Benjamin Davies